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There, I said it

I had so much to say... I had a head full of views and opinions and conclusions and ideas and right there in front of me sits a blank page full of nothing ... okay it's not so blank anymore. But to me there is nothing more boring, disappointing and sad than an entry about, well ... nothing. I hate reading about my mind going blank as much as I hate writing about it. Supposedly this is an exercise to get the "juices" flowing, to jog the memory. However, I find it more distracting and useless than anything. Not to mention the height of conformity.

I had two bad shows. Count 'em, two. And all I can think of is why me? I might lose my job because one, tiny corner of the world doesn't get clean news shows. This is why I didn't want to become a director: too much responsibility. And no one cares. There are exactly three people who care: my boss, his boss, and the owner of this station. And oh yeah, the news director (my co-workers' boss). That's it. Four people in the WHOLE WORLD who care about whether or not we have clean newscasts. Nobody else. Least of all me. There are more important things in this world -- like, um, the children who starve on a daily basis, in this country and elsewhere -- than whether or not WBBH and WZVN in Fort Myers, Florida have a clean newscast. Why am I the only one who is able to stand back and put it in this perspective? Why oh why did I put this burden on myself --> to give a damn about this corner of the world. Because that's what it amounts to. I moved here to take on the caring of this corner of the world. Every day I have to come in here and act like I care, when I really don't. I don't give a rat's ass, I don't give a flying fuck, I DON'T EFFING CARE.

What about me? What about my needs? What about the fact that I don't have laundry done? Who's head is going to roll because my laundry's not done? What about the fact that I don't have enough money or time to do everything and get everything I want and need? Hm? What about that? What about the fact that my neck hurts, my feet hurt, my teeth hurt, my head hurts ... ??? What about those things? What about it, huh?? What about the fact that I didn't get invited to the super bowl parties that every-frickin-body else is at tonight except me?

No I take that back. I was invited to a couple of super bowl parties as a matter of fact. But I had to sacrifice those because I get paid to care about WBBH's and WZVN's news shows.

Never mind the fact that most of the rest of the crew is over at someone's house eating pizza and watching Super Bowl XL in Detroit, while they care about WBBH and WZVN.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't have gone over there if I had been invited because I have too much to do. Now, in addition to ONE discrepancy report that I didn't write last night, now I have TWO discrepancy reports to write, both of which I've started working on, both of which I'm neglecting right now in order to bitch and moan about my lot in life here.

It's one thing to have to make sacrifices in life. We all have to do it. It's part of life. It just is; I'm over that. It's quite another when it seems like ALL I do is make sacrifices, and it seems like I'm the only one who cares, and I miss the control room I used to work at in Grand Rapids, where all I had to do was press a button in front of me at the switcher in order to talk to the anchors, I didn't have to remind the audio op EVERY FUCKING TIME I NEED TO TALK TO THE ANCHOR to open the anchor's mic.

I also miss the crew I used to work with. There isn't one person here on this crew tonight who would be able to hang with the crew I used to work with in Grand Rapids. And guess what folks -- we had FAR less supervision there!!! Yet somehow we had clean newscasts. Oh they weren't perfect; but for Godsakes, they were FAR better than the newscasts we have here.

I also miss the technology I used to have at my fingertips. I never once took for granted the wonderful toys they have at WOOD: robotic cameras; digital switcher; digital IFB router; real tapes -- not a half-assed server system that works part of the time; tally lights on all the monitors in the control room; monitors for every source we used; three cameras in the studio (not two) ... yeah, I had it good up there. And I gave it up to come here to be frustrated, frustrated on a daily basis.

Days like this make me really hate my job, make me really hate the news business. It's just not worth it, for the fuss we make. There is nothing like hopping over to the other side of the fence to make you appreciate the color of grass you had before you hopped over...

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