November 20th, 2004

Long road home

Sweet dreams are most definitely NOT made of this!!

I have dreams almost every night/morning that I wake out of, remember, and go on about my day without thinking too much about. However, this morning I had a veritable nightmare that made it very difficult to go back to sleep from, and I felt if I don't write it down I'll regret it.

First of all, the main character in this dream was Brad Edwards, one of our reporters. I hardly ever talk to Brad when I'm at work, let alone when I'm on vacation like I am now! And I haven't seen the news hardly at all since I've been off. So I have no idea where that alone came from, let alone the rest of it.

In my dream, I was seeing him pretty much the same way I see him when I'm at work: on our monitors, on some group of TV monitors, in a "coming up" tease fashion, or some other kind of news blurb. In other words, I wasn't any closer to him in this dream than I am in real life. Nothing too unusual about that.

The building we were all in was not the one I go to work at in real life. It was more like a college campus. At some point, I heard that Brad was sick, that something was wrong with him. Then I became like a fly on the wall, or maybe it was just some other monitor I was viewing, of the psychiatric ward of our campus, but something was wrong with Brad's brain and he was being 'looked at'. He was unable to tell stories anymore, like he just shorted out, was worked too hard and went 'insane' (and yet he was aware of this, he was not acting 'strange', he just couldn't tell reporter stories anymore).

Still nothing too unusual about that either, as far as dreams go.

Well, apparently he decided that, since he was no longer useful to the TV station, he was no longer useful to the world either. In this exaggerated dream-world it was not only understood but completely acceptable to terminate a life if it was deemed useless to society, or to a company, or even to a family. And that, ultimately, became his decision.

He was completely calm about it; calm and composed, albeit altered.

This is where the dream took a serious turn for the worse, as far as my personal sanity goes.

Throughout this sequence of events I was on the outside looking in, for all intents and purposes. I was there, but not that Brad Edwards took any notice of me. I was monitoring the situation -- that's the best I can describe it.

And I was fine all the way up until Brad's execution. This guy came in with a shiny, gilted rifle, pointed the gun at Brad's head and fired one shot, with a group of people standing around, his family, doctors, people we work with, and I witnessed it ALL!!! My REM-enslaved mind did not steer me away from the image like it's supposed to, and I went from feeling ho-hum in this dream to feeling absolutely horrified and terrified!!!

Then all of a sudden I was in Greece, or some Mediterranean country, and there was this chubby, balding, Greek or Middle Eastern guy kissing me (and falling asleep in the middle), then I was in some ornately decorated, decrepit, rat-infested house, and my mom was there. We were standing outside a wooden shed in the backyard, observing a pile of dead rat bodies stacked up in a heap, and I was telling her how if only she'd made different choices in life, we wouldn't have ended up this way. This look of recognition then spread over her features and she said, "Ohhhh, NOW I get it! Now I understand!" Then I woke up.

I know where that last part of the dream came from. I've been talking to my mom and sister quite a lot this week, and all of us are strapped for cash, and I am constantly frustrated by how it seems like I am learning from my mistakes but those two seemed doomed to repeat theirs.

But the images of Brad being executed because he was no longer useful to the world!!! That's what really rattled me. After I finally wrestled myself awake, I realized I had to pee really bad, and I was kind of hungry... but it was only 6:30am!!! So after I got up and relieved myself, I reset my clock to 8:30 instead of 7:30, because I figured I wouldn't be ready to get up at 7:30 anyway, but I never really did fall back asleep soundly. I wound up getting up before my alarm went off.

Even in that dream world, I knew it was wrong that he died the way he did, even though he and everybody else in the room was perfectly on board with the idea. I wanted to protest it, but didn't know how. It's like I suddenly discovered I was different somehow, than all those people, including Brad. Like even if I could have saved him, he didn't want to be saved.

And that's what I think I need to ponder about that dream. Because there is something so profound, so significant about those horrible images that I think it would be worth spending some time thinking about. Dreams are where we work out the problems with our daily lives, and dreaming about watching someone get executed for such superficial reasons, someone I'm not even close to but work with... that is something I need to pay attention to.

Think I'll go look it up now...