February 13th, 2005

Long road home

Kissing with tongues and mar-jar-een, Mohair lockerroom pinup boys

For the love of crumbcake.

Technology is great but it is still a product of humans and therefore imperfect.

Take today for example.

The latest in the saga of my workout routine: today I made it to Riverside Park, and as usual, I'm glad I expended the extra effort. The first thing I noticed after I got out of my car and walked to the head of the trail was the ducks and the geese. I love ducks and geese!! The geese are the hugest birds I think I've ever seen. They're not, but that's what I was thinking as I watched them watching me. I love birds. I love birds because they are animals of the air. My most memorable science project from grade school was the one I did on birds' wings and aerodynamics. I got a “Superior” on that science project. And people wonder where I get my superiority complex from. I daresay, I think that's what started it.

The next thing I noticed were the remnants of the ice jam. Nature never ceases to amaze and intrigue me with the chaotic patterns of geometry she produces. Wedges of ice stuck to the base of tree trunks about a foot above the frozen ground below it. It was a beautiful sight; one of winter's better traits.

Otherwise it was a steely grey, bitter cold day, and unremarkable. I didn't feel like dealing with people today, and there were far more of them out there than I was expecting. But it is Sunday, after all, and I'm betting people went out today expecting yesterday's weather, which was, in a word, sublime.

I am finding out that my plan of attack seems to be working so far. I really, REALLY didn't want to go out walking today. I REALLY didn't want to go out walking. More than I can say. My inner child was kicking and screaming the whole way to the park. However, because I am keeping my workouts unstructured, I really had no excuse not to go. I was fed, I got plenty of sleep last night, and I was dressed and sitting in my car in the parking lot, Walkman in hand. The only promise I made myself was that I would get out of the damn car and start walking. I told myself if I did that much, whatever I did after that would be a bonus. Well, it worked! I actually did some interval running, and I even sprinted at one point. My choice of music was spectacular too: Adam Ant's “Vive Le Rock” album is really good to workout to! I stayed on the trail for a little more than half an hour.

Then after I returned to my car I just leaned against it and gazed at the ducks and geese and river flowing by for a few minutes. Then I decided to stretch out my legs. There is nothing better than giving your muscles a good stretch at the edge of a river in mid-February, I've decided. Nothing compares to it.

So I am feeling like I accomplished WAY more than I bargained myself for today. After I finish here at the library I'm going to go home and do the free weights and then stretch some more. I'm really enjoying working out my arms. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so smug about myself and acting like I own the world, or at least, my little corner of it: working out with the weights just makes me feel so accomplished, so bad-ass, if you will. It makes me feel superior; and that's just the way I like things to be!

Then after I get in my car and catch sight of myself in my rearview mirror, and notice my delightfully clear skin, my flushed cheeks and bright blue eyes and it's like adding a catalyzing agent to my already good mood. Not only do I feel good ... I look pretty good, too.

I just rock, what can I say.

I also think I've finally reached a decision as to what to do with my tax refund money: I'm going to pay off the short-term loan, or as much of it as I can, because with that off my shoulders then I can use the money I was paying to that to start making payments to the church loan again, and then I won't feel as guilty buying myself a computer.

Although, after yesterday's latest foray into the wonderful world of fixing my kitchen faucet, I am getting real serious about moving all over again. I really think I need to get the hell out of the apartment I'm in, because it just makes me so unhappy. I think the problem I have now is that I'm so used to living there, because I've been there for so long; so it makes me a little gunshy at the prospect of pulling up stakes again in order to improve my quality of living. I really hate my apartment; there are very few things I like about it. I don't know why I continue to subject myself to subpar living when I don't have to. That's what I have to reconcile with myself. But I know I'm going to vacillate and waffle and go back and forth before making up my mind. In order to move into the apartments I WANT to move into I will need to come up with about the same amount of money as I would need to buy the computer I want, among other things.

And that's what drives me so NUTS!!! Why, why, why can't I just have enough money to get the computer, a new pair of running shoes, a vacuum cleaner, move into a place I actually want to live in, and get my car fixed??Why? Why can't I do all those things? Why must I choose between one or the other? I want them all! Other people have all those things ... why can't I get my piece of the pie??? I have a stable, steady source of income that isn't going away anytime soon, I don't generally live my life in a way that offends or otherwise makes people uncomfortable, hell, most of the time I'm looking for ways to make people MORE comfortable!!!

And I can't even afford to buy myself a freakin CD player.

And you know what? Fuck this stupid library and the fucking one-hour time limit. Fuck community living. Fuck this whole fucking day. I'm so sick and tired of ALWAYS being up against it!!!
  • Current Music
    "Hell's Eight Acres", Adam Ant