May 17th, 2005

Long road home

Up too late -- again

Gee, good thing I have a home to go to. Tonight I was up to no good. No good at all! I am a bad, bad, naughty little girl. Not a going-to-burn-in-hell kind of naughty, but still naughty just the same!

It's amazing what liberties you'll take when you feel *some* kind, *ANY* kind of stability in your life.

And now I'm in a quandary. But that's okay, because quandaries are what I'm good at, seeing as I seem to go looking for them, and hence, find myself in them quite often. Take tonight for example: that nice little routine I had going, where I would go to bed early, and get up before 9am, and actually get something accomplished ... so much for that! (I blame the too-much-work-not-enough-play scenario I currently find myself in.)

I was so stinkin inspired by that Pistons/Pacers game Sunday. I am looking forward to the next round! I like it when I write like that. But what I like even more is that I actually wrote, like, a real sports story. Or at least the beginning of one. Okay, maybe it was more like a tease, or a blurb. Whatever, it's refreshing to know I can step out of my usual style and write a freakin sports story whenever I want!

Now if only I could figure out hockey... or football ...

Personally, I think there should be more field hockey stories. I never made it past JV, but man, we had the coolest uniforms and gear!!!

Although my *most favoritest sport ever* by far has to be soccer. To play or to watch. And I do miss horse riding. Why do things have to cost money that few people can afford? Huh? Why??? Why is that!!!!

Where is Ty Pennington with a check for $50,000 when you need it!!

... hell, where is Ty Pennington??? ;)

And you know what I had for dinner Sunday night? Thai-style chicken. Just in time for the Ty Pennington/Sears show. Coincidence??? I think not!

Goodbye. Press "Update Journal" and say good night!!!

Good night. Sweet dreams. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Say nighty-night and tell me you'll miss me
And in your dreams whatever they may be
Dream a little dream of me...


Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I said say good night!!!!
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    "Sinking" Jars of Clay
Long road home

Fragile -- handle with care

Who knew a soap opera would be so enlightening?

Well, actually, the soap opera's captioning, to be exact. I glanced up at it long enough to catch: "Lizzie's fragile. She can break," and it got me to thinking: is that how I act when I'm in love? No wonder I'm so unhappy then, if that's the case, because in every single other area of my life I'm tough as nails!!!

The missing link. I love it. I shall spend the rest of this week pondering this new insight!
Long road home

Fragile, a postscript

I feel I should clarify what I meant in the last entry.

For the longest time I'd been going along thinking that when you fall in love, things change, you change, *I* change, everything changes somehow. Which for the most part is true, but obviously not EVERYthing changes about a person. Although it was anything *but* obvious to me for many years.

Anyhoo, for whatever reason, I perceived -- without realizing until today -- that I was either a) not strong enough to handle, by myself, the inevitable ups and downs that go with any relationship, and b) wasn't supposed to be strong enough by myself to handle those ups and downs. Now go back and read that very carefully, if you want some insight into who and what I am: yes, I both believed that I wasn't strong enough *AND* wasn't SUPPOSED to be strong enough anyway!! I think on some level, without even realizing it, I've been going along thinking that I'm not supposed to act like I'm strong enough to handle adversity. Even if I actually was, even if I actually possessed the strength. It just never occurred to me.

Well ... I think it occurred to me. I think I just never felt confident enough to show it.

"She's fragile; she can break."

That's just so funny, because that is so *not* who I am. It's funny that it took something as inconsequential as the dialogue in a soap opera to enlighten me. I guess I read that in the captioning and said to myself, "That's not me." Then I was like, "... that's not me. That's right, that's not me! That's not me!! That's not me!!!" like I was testing it out, over and over again, rolling the words over in my mind, like you do when you find a really cool rock at the beach. Huge epiphany, and hence, huge unlocking of eternal mystery. No, boys, I'm *not* fragile, and I DON'T break! I get hurt, sure, but who doesn't? It doesn't break me; never has, and it never will.

It almost did once, though. I got pushed to the very edge; a real test. But still I didn't break. And as a result the whole experience only served to make me stronger. That's right, I'm *NOT* "supposed" to break! *I'm* supposed to be strong, if I'm supposed to be anything. But then, I just am strong. Through and through. I am an outrageous artist, a personality painted in bold brushstrokes of color, and yes, I am strong. No matter what -- I can take it. And I'm not just saying that this time.

Hm. Maybe that's too much information. Y'know I type these things and then wonder if I should actually post them. It seems fine when it's still in my head, but then... eh. Anyway.

I just gotta say, I am quite enjoying this new piece of information! It's what I've been missing, for so long. That's right, I am strong, always have been. I just never gave myself a chance to be strong. This is positively liberating. Oh the things I would have done differently in relationships past! Perhaps I might have been able to hold onto one or two of them longer, the ones I didn't want to end. I was so busy thinking I had to cling to him, that I couldn't (or wouldn't) make it in life without him, all the while not allowing myself to see that not only would I *make* it ... I'd have fun doing so!!

Ah, the Missing Link. Volume 3.
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    "Incomplete" (ironically enough), Backstreet Boys