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I am smug. I am smug and self-assured. When I get behind you in traffic and you are going slower than I'd like to go, it pleases me to no end to speed up and pass you -- which is saying something considering what kind of car I drive -- not to mention what my license plate says -- and leave you behind in my dust.

I've got my act together. I take care of myself, and with no responsibilities, nary a care in the world. I live in a free country, with a Texas cowboy as leader of our country, and you know what? Life is good! When I walk out my door, both my legs are working, and I walk as far as I please. My health is effing GREAT -- I don't have heart disease, hell, I don't have *any* disease, I manage my low blood sugar so well it's like I don't even have it. I have *perfect* blood pressure. I don't know what my cholesterol is, but I don't really care, truthfully. Because I feel so great, because I *am* great. See, that's the big difference between me and lots of people: I've already accomplished many of my life's goals, and I have every confidence that I will achieve the one dream I'm still holding out for, too.

I've played drums in a rock band before a paying crowd (among other things). I've hopped off the stage and received pats on the back all the way to the bar where my free drinks awaited me. I've caught the eyes of many a guy -- married and single, short and tall, skinny and fat, geek and chic, athletic and not, old and young, rock star and priest -- yes, priest. I made out with Peter Tork -- yes, better known as one of the Monkees. And he asked me. It was in May, 1997, in Dayton, OH, he was on a tour of sorts with his good buddy, James Lee Stanley. And in case you're wondering, Peter Tork is a *GREAT* kisser! I had my first kiss with a guy more than twice my age in the hallway of the Sheraton Universal in Los Angeles, California, and I was only 16. No, I don't feel the least bit inadequate for being single. In fact, I feel like I know a secret most of the rest of American society and culture hasn't been let in on, and that's just fine by me!

I am quite secure in my chosen career, too. I won't lie, getting paid to do what I love certainly lends a certain air of confidence to a person. I am secure, I make more than a living, and I have a clear view ahead of where I'm going. And you know what the best part is? I know I'm getting there someday.

I am also quite vain. I love the fact that I'm vain! I try to start all my sentences with "I", as in me. I'm exceptionally good at dressing up, styling my hair, wearing the right clothes -- which isn't too hard, considering that most clothes I put on look good on me! -- makeup application, and just generally looking sexy. And I even have the self-confidence to go out of the house without makeup! I don't hesitate to walk up to perfect strangers and strike up a conversation, because that's what I'm good at. And I revel in the fact that I'm good at it, because I know it's not something you can teach or learn: either you're born with it, or you're not, and I thank GOD I was born with it. Of course, I'm treading on abusing that privilege here, but ... I really don't care. If you've got it, FLAUNT IT, and if you don't like it, look away. Come back some other time when you're stomach's stronger, yo.

Watch out, world ... 'cause here I come! I'm just getting warmed up. I'm the person your mother warned you about, yes indeed. I'm not the kind of girl you take home and introduce to mom, and THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS!!! Although feel free to take me home and introduce me to dad. ;) I wouldn't trade all this smarmy independence for anything. You should ALL be jealous of how good I'm feeling, and EVERYONE IN THE WORLD should endeavour to attain what I carry around with me almost all the damn time!!!

Wow. If life were any better, I'd have to swear I died and went to heaven. No, I'm not on any drugs. I just really do feel that great about myself!!! Insecure people of the world, feel free to take notes, for the love of God.

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