For the longest time I'd been going along thinking that when you fall in love, things change, you change, *I* change, everything changes somehow. Which for the most part is true, but obviously not EVERYthing changes about a person. Although it was anything *but* obvious to me for many years.
Anyhoo, for whatever reason, I perceived -- without realizing until today -- that I was either a) not strong enough to handle, by myself, the inevitable ups and downs that go with any relationship, and b) wasn't supposed to be strong enough by myself to handle those ups and downs. Now go back and read that very carefully, if you want some insight into who and what I am: yes, I both believed that I wasn't strong enough *AND* wasn't SUPPOSED to be strong enough anyway!! I think on some level, without even realizing it, I've been going along thinking that I'm not supposed to act like I'm strong enough to handle adversity. Even if I actually was, even if I actually possessed the strength. It just never occurred to me.
Well ... I think it occurred to me. I think I just never felt confident enough to show it.
"She's fragile; she can break."
That's just so funny, because that is so *not* who I am. It's funny that it took something as inconsequential as the dialogue in a soap opera to enlighten me. I guess I read that in the captioning and said to myself, "That's not me." Then I was like, "... that's not me. That's right, that's not me! That's not me!! That's not me!!!" like I was testing it out, over and over again, rolling the words over in my mind, like you do when you find a really cool rock at the beach. Huge epiphany, and hence, huge unlocking of eternal mystery. No, boys, I'm *not* fragile, and I DON'T break! I get hurt, sure, but who doesn't? It doesn't break me; never has, and it never will.
It almost did once, though. I got pushed to the very edge; a real test. But still I didn't break. And as a result the whole experience only served to make me stronger. That's right, I'm *NOT* "supposed" to break! *I'm* supposed to be strong, if I'm supposed to be anything. But then, I just am strong. Through and through. I am an outrageous artist, a personality painted in bold brushstrokes of color, and yes, I am strong. No matter what -- I can take it. And I'm not just saying that this time.
Hm. Maybe that's too much information. Y'know I type these things and then wonder if I should actually post them. It seems fine when it's still in my head, but then... eh. Anyway.
I just gotta say, I am quite enjoying this new piece of information! It's what I've been missing, for so long. That's right, I am strong, always have been. I just never gave myself a chance to be strong. This is positively liberating. Oh the things I would have done differently in relationships past! Perhaps I might have been able to hold onto one or two of them longer, the ones I didn't want to end. I was so busy thinking I had to cling to him, that I couldn't (or wouldn't) make it in life without him, all the while not allowing myself to see that not only would I *make* it ... I'd have fun doing so!!
Ah, the Missing Link. Volume 3.