I dunno, maybe I need a reality check. I mean, some people are unemployed with families to support; others had their homes burn to the ground recently. And I'm sure there are more tragedies I could add here as well -- none of them mine. No, my "tragedy" is that I continue to work in a job that leaves me unfulfilled, yearning for something more. I feel like my technical expertise has not only disappointed me, it has failed me miserably. How, exactly, am I reaching people and making their lives better by continually punching the clock at a job where I'm surrounded by selfish, self-centered, whiny, overpaid brats of all ages??? It's difficult to find a generous soul around here. It's difficult to be generous when you are constantly met with bitterness. It's like a plague around here.
I try to remain immune to it. I try not to let these people get to me, and I try to lead by example. Perhaps the reason I'm here is to remind these people that even though the news business is supposed to be emotionally detached, we are still human beings around here, and all of us have feelings, even the 'toughest', the most 'macho'.
Sometimes I feel so out of place here, especially tonight. I can't tell if I'm making a difference; not that it's up to me to be able to determine whether I am or not. All that's required of me is to "do the right thing", despite how I'm feeling.
And yet I can't help feeling like I'm not in the right place, either, not where I'm supposed to be. I'm willing to be the one who maintains good morals, the one who doesn't compromise my values just so I can be 'popular', or 'accepted' by the group. I am unafraid to stand out from the crowd that way, if that's what I'm supposed to be doing. So maybe I am in exactly the right place, for now. Sometimes the most that's expected of you is to work with the hand that's dealt to you, and I sure do feel like I'm working. That's exactly what it feels like.
It's hard not to complain. It's hard to be strong right when I'm feeling weakest, and in need of a friend. It's hard to keep my head up when I'm feeling down. And I guess it's hard for me to admit that I feel lonely on this Christmas holiday. That's what it boils down to: this is not how I'd like to spend Christmas!! I spent Christmas this year and the last three years the same way -- barely any difference than any normally scheduled work-night for me, and so it doesn't feel like a holiday to me!!! I'd rather have spent my day visiting invalids, serving dinner to the homeless, visiting those in prison -- well, maybe not visiting the imprisoned, I don't think I'm strong enough for that.
My point is, I don't expect to have the storied, white-picket-fence-type Christmas with the family gathered 'round a bountiful feast, a fatherly figure carving turkey whilst we gaze out the bay window at a gently falling snow outside. On the other hand, I don't see how spending Christmas with a bunch of spoiled brats -- and we are spoiled here at WOOD TV-8 -- is "making a difference" either!
Maybe I need to take a hard look at my life, and why I am here. I know part of the reason I'm here is selfish, but I think I've outgrown those reasons. I need to figure out where the heck I need to be.